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A Whole Hand?

Today is my anniversary.  Five years ago today, I declared before an entire church filled with friends and family, that I would love Taylor forever, come rain or come shine.

2006

Five years.

#Googled

I really have to hand it to Google today, guys.  When I first saw the link in my twitter stream this morning, it didn't quite occur to me how awesome the idea was. My first "map your valentine" for Taylor today was only our apartment address: "My home is where you are, my Love."  Simple, sweet.  I didn't think of any grandiose locations to send him on a heart-shaped map.

But then I got his valentine back and I swooned.  Really!  I almost gasped out loud at work (ok, fine, I did gasp out loud at work.. but no one was near my office) :)

Really, the location might not mean anything to anyone else, but to me, it brought back memories of fresh pasta, hot humid days, warm vibrant nights, ancient history living all around me, and lounging in bed for hours on end, with nothing to do but eat tasty food and read Tolkien aloud to each other.  He sent me the address to the apartment in Rome where we stayed for our honeymoon.

Husbands

Husbands are awesome because they do things like this when the Wife is having a hard week..

He loves me.. He loves me a lot.

I love you too, my own Sweet P'Taylor.  And I'm so blessed to be your Wifey-Love :)

...

Hawaii--A Summary

So, you may be wondering what our Hawaii vacation was like.  If I were you, I'd be wondering, but (knowing myself as I do) I may not really want to hear about it because I'd be jealous.  But you're a much better person than I am, I'm sure, so I'll go ahead and share.

T's parents took the whole family to Hawaii for a week to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary.  Most of the family arrived in HI on Thursday, but T and I didn't get there until Saturday afternoon.  As soon as we got there, we started to relax. It was almost as if our bodies could already feel the waves rocking us back and forth on the water, lulling us into a soft sense of loveliness.  It was my first time going to Hawaii; we stayed on the south shore of Kauai, right on Poipu Beach.

In fact, after just a few days there, swimming every morning, lunching, and swimming some more, I found that if I sat still, I was still being rocked by the waves. Back and forth, up and down. So peaceful.  I woke in the mornings to the sound of the waves breaking on the shore, perfectly in time with Taylor's breathing, who slept contentedly on my shoulder.

If there's one thing I take away from Hawaii, that could summarize my whole experience, it's that the ocean is a magical thing that sets the rhythm and pace of life there.  I understand, now, why T wants to be close to the ocean.  It's so easy to feel little in front of it.  It's big and mysterious and calming and magnificent.

Our week in HI was full and relaxing and wonderful.  We went hiking and swimming and touring and shopping and eating and beer tasting.  In summary, I'd have to say that I would go back, but I was also glad to get back home.  I truly loved it, but it's hard to think of Thanksgiving and Christmas when it's 85 and sunny and beachy outside :)

Enjoy the photos--hit me with questions!

Hawaii

On Parents

When I was in middle school, it was super-cool to call your friends' mothers "mom."  I did this with a few of my closest friends, but it never really caught on for me. Momma was mom to me, and calling another woman that didn't sit well.

And then I got married.  Momma instantly welcomed Taylor to the family with a warm hug and a big kiss and said to him: "And my name is? *pause* Mom," answering her own question. She wanted to be a mother to him in all the wonderful ways a mother-in-law can.  He was truly a son to her. In a different way, of course, than my brother was her son (he was always just "Son"), but not in a lesser way.  Not at all.

I didn't ask my parents-in-law what they wanted to be called after Taylor and I got married.  Most people I knew called their in-laws by their first name, but I felt compelled to call Taylor's parents mom and dad.  I don't know why.

T and I were visiting his folks' house soon after we were married and his dad asked me a question. I said, "Sure, Dad."  Since  I hadn't asked them if it was ok to call them mom and dad, I wasn't sure how he'd respond.  But he looked at me, tilting his head a little to the side, the way he always does when he pauses to consider something, and smiled at me and said, "I guess I am Dad to you now, huh?"  Soon after, I asked Mum if she minded at all that I called them mom and dad and she told me: "Oh not at all! I'm glad you feel close enough to us that you feel comfortable calling us that."  Me, too, Mum :)

And now, four years later, it's even better. They are Mum and Dad, through and through. They have been so good to me--I truly feel like their daughter and it is simply the natural thing to call them by who they are to me.

And Mum especially.  Mothers and daughters have a special relationship, and I am thankful for the blessing of my mother-in-law.  Since I first came into the family, she has offered her love and support, but especially so after Momma died.  In her own quiet, gentle way, she was there for me in so many ways.  She didn't try to step up to replace my mother at all, but she filled her roll as husband's-mother as perfectly as any woman could.  In all the little things she does for me--birthday and anniversary presents, calling me to catch up (y'know, because husbands get distracted and don't always share everything), emails, inviting me to take walks with her, cooking with me, sharing so many stories of motherhood and wifedom, even flying in with six kids to attend Momma's funeral--she has been a constant help and companion.

I love you, Mum :)

Content

I bared my soul on our struggle with infertility.

And then one night, as I lay in the comfort of my husband's arms, waiting for sleep to overwhelm my senses, I listened to the quiet in our house.  I heard Taylor breathing peacefully, so close to my ear, quickly asleep after a long day of hard work.  I thought about our week and all that we accomplished.  I thought about our plans for adoption and the many children already in our lives.  I thought about the way we live our life now, and about our plans for shaping the future of our marriage and our family.

As I dozed off, I came to realize that I am most content.  As much as I long for certain things in my life and in our marriage, I am happy.  Incredibly happy.  And I am certain, deep down, that I'd never change a thing outside of God's plan for our lives.

It's true that we still have to prayerfully discern what God desires of us--what we must strive for and what we must pass by.  But for now, I am at peace waiting for the blessings God has in store for us.

Because after all, I have already been blessed infinitely with the Love of my sweet husband.  Any parent (and grandparent) will tell you that children leave the family eventually.  My parents did it. I have done it. My children will do it.  I don't mean to say that children are "lost" to their parents when they begin their own life, but every child grows up.  

Momma always told me your spouse if the only member of your family you ever get to choose ("so choose carefully," I hear her say in the back of my mind).  God placed him before me and I have chosen.  He is mine forever, to help me to heaven and to see God in all things.

And truthfully, what more can I ask for? 

...

[given the proximity of this to my last post, a small note of clarification: this is my best friend's family w/ her new baby] :) 

I Confess

I would be dishonest if I were to say that it has not been a struggle for us these past four years.  Anyone who knew Taylor and me before we got married knew that we wanted children right away.  We talked about it all the time. With anyone who would listen. We had dreams of being pregnant on the plane back from our honeymoon.  Every month we'd pray and hope that this would be it--the month we became parents. And so, we waited. And waited...

More than four years (or 53 months.. but who's counting?) and some four dozen babies (seriously) later, despite many evaluative tests and various remedies and strategies for conception, we still wait.

I have deliberately avoided discussing my struggle with infertility on this blog.  Not because I think you'd be unsympathetic, but because I didn't want it to become, for me, a forum for complaining.  I would be lying if I told you it hasn't been painful. But I would also be lying if I pretended we have not had our share of grace and blessing.  So many blessings..

---

St. Josemaria Escriva said:

"God in His providence has two ways of blessing marriages: one by giving them children; and the other, sometimes, because he loves them so much, by not giving them children.  I don't know which is the better blessing.  In any event, let one accept his own."

That was a hard thought for me: God is blessing our marriage by not giving us children.  Or at least, by not giving us children according to our plan and schedule.  I do hope to be a mother someday, but clearly my plans for immediate parenthood were not what God had in mind.

I've been thinking about St. Josemaria's words a lot, especially (you may have noticed) since it feels like everyone is getting pregnant lately.  There is a delicate balance between being thankful for one's own blessings and still pursuing the blessings we feel called to, like children; between looking around at my life and saying "I am so blessed" but still being able to look forward with hope and say "I do want children."

It's not enough only to look forward, because I could too easily forget about all the wonderfulness in my life right now.  But neither is it enough to merely "be content" with life as it is.  We are called to foster a sense of "not yet" in our plans.  What's in the future? How should we plan for it? What are we supposed to do to bring that future into the present?

Those questions have been difficult for me.  And I confess to feelings of bitterness when I read the ever-growing number of pregnancy announcements on facebook. I admit that I sometimes find it hard to look at swelling-belly pictures and the happy smile on the face of the parents.  I fight against envy when I see videos of cooing babes and exhausted-but-ecstatic parents holding their precious newborn.  Of course I am deeply (and truly) happy for them, but I can't help thinking "what about us?"

I even admit to selfish thoughts like, "well, they can't do all the things T and I can do, since they have kids."  But, inevitably, I say to myself, "but I know they don't care.. they'd never change a thing."  To be honest, we wouldn't change a thing either. Still, I have sometimes tried to convince myself that my life, sans bebe is better than life with kids, but that thought is empty.  Comparison is a deep, dark hole that will never bring fruit.

I won't tell you about the many blessings have in our marriage in this post, since the rest of this blog is an attempt at sharing those thousands.  But that is part of the difficulty.  To maintain true gratitude right alongside a deep, intense longing.  Part of the struggle is to reject those destructive, comparative thoughts and feelings of self-pity that tend to crop up at others' joyful news.  Part of the struggle is to sympathize with others who do not have the blessings I have, to bite my tongue and swallow my pride and not proclaim how blessed we are at just the wrong time...

I am no saint.  I can only speak from my experience and I have succumbed to these temptations many times.  But I do know that there is grace in abundance in such struggles.  "Let each accept his own" is St. Josemaria's advice.  Grant it, O Lord.

And we will keep waiting. But not without hope.

...

Musings

I want to share with you a poem that was included in a packet of information from our adoption agency.  It speaks volumes to the goodness of adoption, and the broad spectrum of what it means to be a parent.

You cannot change the truth. 

These are your children, 

but they came from somewhere else. 

And they are the children of those places 

and of those people as well. 

Help them to know about their past

and about their present. 

Help them to know that they are from extended families, 

that they have only one...set of parents, 

but that they have more mothers and fathers. 

They have grandmothers, Godmothers, birth mothers, mother countries, mother earth. 

They have grandfathers, Godfathers, birth fathers, and fatherlands. 

They have family by birth and by adoption. 

They have family by choice and by chance. 

Childhood is short; 

They are our children to raise

They are our children to love; 

and then they are citizens of the world. 

What we do to them creates the world that we live in. 

Give them life. 

Give them their truth. 

Give them love. 

Give them all that they came with. 

Give them all that they grow with. 

Your children do not belong to you, 

but they belong with you. 

You cannot keep them from what is theirs, 

but you can keep loving them. 

You do not own your children, 

but they are your own. 

--Joyce Maguire Pavo

Taylor and I are blessed with so many children in our lives.  In many ways, we are parents to all of them--from the teeniest baby we hold to the grad students we have over for dinner.  Not that we are raising them, of course, but in opening our marriage to Love, we have to invite people in.  Those people are like children to us, if our marriage can be of some good for them in their lives.  

Here's to parenting, in all it's many and varied forms :)

Retro-spect

I first met my husband spring semester my freshman year of college (2003) when he was a senior in high school (though actually, at that point, he'd "finished" his senior year and was in the midst of a 9-month summer vacation (no, his parents didn't make that mistake again)).  He and some of his friends (and a miscellaneous collection of their fathers) came over to the east side of WA to visit GU--just to see what it was like.  I introduced myself to him at a party, and we exchanged contact information.  We weren't interested in each other as more than friends--we both had other crushes, in fact.

We emailed back and forth a lot that summer. I was living with my sister-in-law, who was expecting her third kid and had a lot of baby stories :) The most memorable emails, though, were those we sent while I was on a retreat at a convent :) Oh, the dreams we shared that weekend. It was uplifting to meet a guy so excited about religious life.

I first met my husband's family while I was dating someone else.  My then-boyfriend was gone for the weekend so Taylor and a few of his friends invited me over to Seattle to get away from campus.  A timely invitation, just as fall semester (2003) was taking off!  We dropped T off at his house first. Their kitchen was being remodeled at the time, so "operations" were held in the basement.

Sebastian (now 9) was still a toddler, binky and all, and I think T's mum was just pregnant with Lydia.  I remember going down to the basement with everyone and simply being quiet, in the background, listening to T's friends chat with "Mrs. Black." T was cuddling Sebastian, who had run to him when T walked in the door, climbed into his arms, and stayed their the entire conversation.  Meanwhile, I spent the rest of the weekend with the girl Taylor liked.  I remember she and I talked about how she might marry Taylor someday.. if things panned out.

That was T's freshman year. We both maintained our other romantic interests, never guessing that in just one year, we'd be dating and on our way to marriage.  How funny to look back and see how things developed.  We lived in the same building on campus and would talk together about our relationships and friends.  I remember visiting T in his room one cold night toward the end of fall semester.  He had his heater on all the way and the window wide open.  I thought it was strange--what a waste of electricity, right?--but that it was also oddly refreshing to have the blazing warmth of the heater and the cold blasts of crisp air from outside swirling together all around me.

That summer, I broke up with my boyfriend, realizing the relationship had no future, and I made big plans to have a "single senior year" at college [I skipped a year, in case you were wondering where my junior year went].  I was going on to graduate school after I graduated, possibly all the way across the country, and I just didn't have time for any more silly relationships clouding up God's plans for me.  I had to be on track, and I had everything figured out.

Or so I thought.

I got back to GU, fall 2004 classes started, and I began to see Taylor more often around campus. We'd serendipitously eat together and sometimes walk to class together (his new dorm was on my way to campus).We went on the Pilgrimage retreat together--a long hike to the first Jesuit mission in ID.  I guess that's when we really started getting to know each other.

I was in a photography class that semester and he would accompany me on my photo walks.  To this day, some of my favorite pictures of him are ones that I took on hand-rolled 100 ISO black and white film, which I developed and made prints of myself.  Fun memories :)

Then Taylor proposed!  Wait--you want to know if I missed something? No. He did propose, but not like a real proposal.  We were chatting together, talking about all my sweet nieces and nephews, and T's wonderful younger siblings, and he said,

"Anne, why can't we just get married, start having babies, and have fun?"  

Naturally, I said,

"Ok! but you'd have to get me a ring."  

Without missing a beat, T pulled a rosary ring off his desk and handed it to me.  And there ya go :) for a whole week, we were "engaged."  Who says you can't make-believe as a grown-up?

But he went home to visit his family that weekend and, apparently, realized he really liked me enough to want to date me for real.  So when he came back to campus, he asked me,

"Anne, can I date you with the intention of discerning what God wants from our relationship?"  

Seriously! What more could I ask for!?

Two weeks later, he told me he was in love with me.  Three months after that, he told my father he wanted to marry me.  Five months after that, he asked to spend the rest of my life with me.  And 10 months after that, we were married.  Talk about whirlwind :)

The other day we were chatting with two of our dear friends about their pilgrimage/honeymoon.  Michaela was telling us about a slope they were laboring to climb.  At a certain point, they stopped for a breath and a drink of water and looked down the mountain.  And she told us,

"You can't see it, when you're walking, what it means to be where you are."

And that really struck me.  In fact, I wrote it down right there (I don't think they noticed) ;) and kept it.

I never knew, when I sat down in front of that "lonely little boy" at that party, that I was saying hello to the man who would come to know me better than anyone.  Looking back, I am in awe of the landscape of my past, the paths that led Taylor and me together, and the ways we've walked together.

I am so glad for memory.  It is true that we only have the present to live in, but to be able to look back and see how far we've come is a blessing. A tremendous blessing.  Because to see your past with the perspective of the present is revelatory and enlightening.  Michaela's right, you can't see it, when you're walking now, what it means to be where you are.  But that's a blessing too, really.

Friday Wanders

not all who wander are lost..

The past few Fridays have lent themselves to some quiet wandering time for my Love and me.  We usually have one or two errands in mind, but mostly we take time to spend time with each other.  And it's been lovely.

Sometimes we go visit cafes...

or beer shops..

And sometimes we just poke around the streets, stopping wherever we are fascinated.

It's a wonderful life we lead, that's certain :)

Happy wandering to you all!

...

by renidemus

What Did YOU Do This Weekend?

We were busy.  We had four of our dear friend stay with us--the Camachos (who were married last year) and the van Versendaals (who were married last month).  It's true, in our one bedroom apartment, that things were a tad.. squished, but all the merrier with good friends, right? :)

They arrived Friday evening, which was a good thing because I've found it difficult to keep my house clean this summer!  It's in a fairly consistent state of tidy-ness, but the cleanliness is a variable factor.  I don't want my guests to have a clear but mucky floor to sleep on, after all. So when I got off work early on Friday it was the perfect opportunity to tidy and clean the house thoroughly enough for our friends.  It calms me, too, y'know, to know I've done a nice cleaning before people come over and that my house is just as ready as I am to welcome them with warm (or, this time of year, cool) arms.

We had home-made sushi for dinner that night--with (nearly) everyone jumping in to make a roll. And we wives were in a prime spot in the kitchen because (you see) when one is still learning how to properly roll up the sushi, there are always pieces that aren't.. presentable :) and must be disposed of! Also, I am happy to report that the sushi-grade tuna I got from my fish lady was a success!  It was tasty, perfect texture, plenty of it, and we're all still alive and healthy, which is really the deal-breaker. Exciting!

I made a spiced fig upside-down cake for dessert, which (seriously) was totally delicious.  I didn't even have anything planned for the figs when I bought them on Thursday, since I didn't have a chicken in my freezer, but they were there, all lonely and they seemed to be calling to me: Annie! bring us home! So I did. And they seemed quite happy in their cooked-soon-to-be-gobbled state :)

Saturday was another affair entirely.  The Camachos had brunch with their sister, but the van's stayed home with us for oatmeal, leftover fig cake (!), and Taylor-made coffee.  We had a lovely chat, hearing all about their (amazing!) pilgrimage-honeymoon on the Way of St. James, and leisurely made our way to Harvard square to meet up with the Camachos for the afternoon.  Strolling around Harvard was hot business, but (to make it feel cooler outside) I got a delicious dry cappuccino at Crema Cafe.  The theory is that if my insides are hotter than the outside temperature, stepping outside will feel cool.. ish.  Sort of :) Eh, it was a great capp regardless!

We stopped at Trader Joe's for some provisions for the evening and headed home.  T and I hosted a pizza party for our wonderful guests, so that lots of their Boston friends could see them all at once.  I made eight pizza crusts, set them all out on the counter to rise (it's very warm in my kitchen this time of year), and put my stone in the oven.  It was a bit of a rush to get the house straightened up and the pizza prepped, but T is a great helper and it was a screaming success.

Pizzas we made (two of each): 

Salami with chunky tomatoes and Parmesan cheese

Wilted arugula with crumbled sausage, olive oil, and fresh Parmesan cheese

Garlic Scape pesto with peppers, zuccini and onions

Onion pizza with prosciutto, fresh sage, pepper, and olive oil

Deliciousness.

Sunday... T and I headed to Plum Island beach with a big group of friends.  We brought bread from Clear Flour, truffle salami, fresh fruit, veggies and hummus, homemade pickles, and I made a tuna salad (with artichokes and capers) for sammiches.  We had lots of water, happy beach towels, and much fun with our friends.  I went in the water (all the way in!) three times!  You see, I grew up surrounded by swimming pools, where you can always see the bottom and where there are no large living things in the water.  I was quite impressed with myself.  I had loads of fun.  We're totally going again this summer. Maybe every weekend :)

Plum Tuckered Out

And that was our weekend.. Our guests left Monday morning and T and I went to work.  Now I'm spending the week recovering from all the fun I had :) It's a good exhaustion! 

Forecast..

Happiness

a weekend retreat with my Wonderful Love, in all the sunshiney goodness of Acadia National Park.

Bringing back sweet memories of our first visit to Bar Harbor. Making lovely new ones.

Can you feel how excited I am?!  Does the breathless anticipation come through on the interblag? I don't know what it is, precisely, that makes me so excited.  Perhaps it's the wonderful time we had two years ago when we went to Bar Harbor.  Maybe I'm excited because I will have a school- and work- and homework-free Husband for two whole days :)  It could be I'm ready for fresh air and hiking and cozy fireside reading and great food and no cleaning.  Maybe it's just that Taylor takes the time to be with me, just me, when it seems I need it most (even if I don't realize it).  He's pretty smart like that :) I'm infinitely lucky to be married to him!

I also can't wait to take lots of pictures with my new camera all over Maine!  My pictures from last time were, I think, pretty good (especially considering it was a point and shoot)--the scenery is so picturesque there, it's hard not to get good shots.  It's a perfect place to become more familiar with my new toy!

The rest of today, then T's LAST FINAL on Friday, quiet evening with friends, then we go. Saturday morning can't come soon enough. So. Excited.

:)

Four

Is it silly to think that each anniversary is the best ever?  Do they keep getting better forever? Or is there an asymptotic feature to them, where they sort of level out after a while?

That doesn't matter to me, of course, because the mere fact that I have an anniversary is enough.  If I can spend it with my Love, in any state of happiness, this is bliss.

This year (like everyone, being strapped for cash), we planned a picnic.  There aren't enough picnics in the world these days. If there were, there would be more need for grass, and (I think) people would be happier. And if everyone was sitting on a picnic blanket their mother made them as an engagement present, that would help, too.  Also, while we're at it, if everyone was eating the ever-so-tasty prosciutto and salami that T and I got as a treat for the occasion, life really would be like a bowl of cherries. Or, rather, blackberries :)

We added to our lunch cool, crisp Asian pears, and herbed goat cheese, and fresh crust-y bread, finished off by chilled maté tea, all the while sheltered and surrounded by hundreds of trees, boughs waving high above in the wind, making soft music to accompany our simple meal.

We drove out to the Arnold Arboretum, since it's a great oasis in the midst of city-congestion--the perfect place for a picnic.  We did notice that the sign said "NO PICNICS"  ...but we figured they probably meant those picnics that include red plastic cups, loud music, lots of trash, and less-than-great bbq food. So, naturally, we just wandered around the arboretum until we found a nice secluded spot, out of sight of most of the paths, and cozily nestled ourselves in a grove of pine trees in the sunshine.

This anniversary was particularly reminiscent of our honeymoon, for several reasons.  It was a peaceful day, and we had the whole afternoon for leisure (despite the impending doom of finals and trips coming up and work schedules, etc).  We made a point to get very good food for our picnic since it was really only a small lunch, and we were going to have a nice dinner at home, too. So the prosciutto was quite fine, the berries and pears were perfectly ripe, the cheese creamy and the bread fresh and crusty. If we closed our eyes, we could imagine ourselves sitting on a bench in the tree-lined walk in front of the Galleria Borghese north of Rome, with the wind in the trees and fresh air in our lungs.

It was lovely

When we had finished eating, we cleaned up our picnic blanket (leaving only some well-loved grass and a few bread crumbs for the birds) and walked around the arboretum.

Before we left for the picnic, we'd opened our presents.  Andrew and Renee bought us this lovely teapot (we used it while I was making dinner--so good! and a stunning addition to any table).

And have you noticed anything different about my pictures?  My Daddy contributed to my "new camera fund" for our anniversary (I now have this one, used, from a good friend), and T's family gave us a new lens with a few memory cards (always helps to be able to take more pictures!).  [I know that a camera is mostly "my" present, but Taylor doesn't mind. He's just awesome like that.]  As we walked around the arboretum after eating, I had loads of fun flitting from tree to tree, taking pictures and enjoying my new lens--with it's awesome depth-of-field capabilities :)

The sun began to wester more, and we headed home so I could put the chicken to roast in the oven with spuds and herbs.  It was a tasty meal, to be sure :) rounded out by a very nice wine T chose. We got to share our fourth anniversary dinner with our Maid of Honor, my Seester Viv, and it was awesome. Just plain awesome. She liked the dessert we made, too ;) (Which dessert we ate on the new plates, also from T's family for our anniversary! One can never (ever) have too many dessert plates!)

And then T and V cleaned up the kitchen for me :) Who could ask for anything more? four blissful years of marriage, surrounded by people who love you, and a sparkly, clean kitchen. Not I.