an Announcement

Dear Friends,

I have a very exciting Announcement!

At least, I think it's very exciting.  I am positively giddy about it.

With a growing interest in and love for photography, the opening of my Etsy shop (more items coming soon!), and a deepening enjoyment of writing, I have been feeling little pin-pricks of change in the air.

When I started On the Way back in 2008 (wow, just three years?), I didn't know what blogging was, what the blog world was like, and what a balm it would be for me to share my thoughts and questions so openly, and to hear your comments and answers and feel your support.  It's been a wonderful trip, laughing and smiling and sparkling together, on the way.

But now, we're continuing the journey on a slightly different road, and I would like to invite you all to join me.

Please, come.

I will keep this blog active in case you want to re-visit old posts, but all future posts will be over in my new home.

I hope you like it :)

love,
anne

Fiction Friday

Back and forth. Back and forth.  She gently rocked her new baby in her arms in the warm, dark bedroom.  Gentle baby coos issued from that perfect little mouth as his eyes fluttered up and down, resisting sleep, but smiling at his body's own frustrated effort.

Contentment.  Pure contentedness.  It flowed from the pair of them the way rain flows down a well-paved hill, gushing and spurting over any obstacle and rushing ever onward to its goal.

She looked at the tiny crib tucked right next to her and her husband's bed.  It was all ready and welcome to receive such a warm and cozy little bundle, ready to keep him safe and quiet and sleepy until she finished the dishes.  She took a step toward it but he cooed again.

She looked at him.  At his dark hair, his tiny fingers.  She watched him smile in his sleep..

Cribs can wait, she thought.  There will be time to lay him down later.  Dishes can wait.  He's all mine, right now.    I'm all his.

She sat down in the rocking chair, covered them both with a blanket and leaned her head back, listening to him breathe, close to her neck.  She could feel his heart beat.  She could feel his warm, soft cheek on her chest, his tiny hand wrapped around her finger.

Yes, dishes can wait..

...

Firsts

I've held lots of babies in my life.  My sister when I was very young. Nieces and nephews. Siblings-in-law. Friends' babies.  Babies I've only just met.

But always it was just holding them. For a moment.  Here and there.  The baby was always someone else's baby.  They were mine only in Love and far-off relationship.

And I've given lots of baby gifts over the years.  Hats, blankets, carriers, pictures, booties, mittens, clothes, nursing covers, shoes.  I've wrapped them and transported them and handed them over, watching as the mother and father undid the wrapping and ooh-ed and ahh-ed.

I did all that today again, just like always.  But it was wildly different this time.  I sat down on the couch, with That Sweet Baby Girl in my arms and asked Taylor to grab the little gift bag I had brought.  I had thought that the foster mother would open it and ooh and ahh.

"Why don't you go open it? Over there with Baby?"  she said.

I wasn't ready for that.  I'd never opened a gift unless mother's hands were full (of baby).  And certainly never while holding a baby that might be mine.  Taylor brought the bag over, sat down next to me on the couch, and put his arm around my waist.

A Day Away

Tomorrow we'll meet her.  A baby girl who could be ours.  A baby girl that God has placed in our lives for a time--who knows how long--to remain in our hearts forever.

I've never met a baby that could be mine.  I've only ever held other people's children.  Children who had parents close by, who knew mommy and daddy from the first moment of life, who would never need to ask "who are my birth parents?"

I am a strange mix of excitement, joy, anxiety, sorrow, giddy-ness, and apprehension.  What will it be like when I hold her?  What will it be like when she grabs on to my finger with her sweet little hand?  Will I get to feed her?  Can I kiss her?  Will I want to?  What will I feel as I hand her back to her foster mother when it's time for us to go home?  I don't know.

Oh, Sweet Baby, I wanted very much to be your foster mother while the legal technicalities of your future were hammered out.  I wanted to hold you and feed you and sleep close by every night, watching you breathe, knowing that your mother wanted us in your life, no matter how long we got to take care of you... I know that God has a plan, though, so I must trust Him that this is the best way.  I miss you already, Baby, even though I haven't met you.  I can't wait to hold you, even if just once. 

Hawaii--A Summary

So, you may be wondering what our Hawaii vacation was like.  If I were you, I'd be wondering, but (knowing myself as I do) I may not really want to hear about it because I'd be jealous.  But you're a much better person than I am, I'm sure, so I'll go ahead and share.

T's parents took the whole family to Hawaii for a week to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary.  Most of the family arrived in HI on Thursday, but T and I didn't get there until Saturday afternoon.  As soon as we got there, we started to relax. It was almost as if our bodies could already feel the waves rocking us back and forth on the water, lulling us into a soft sense of loveliness.  It was my first time going to Hawaii; we stayed on the south shore of Kauai, right on Poipu Beach.

In fact, after just a few days there, swimming every morning, lunching, and swimming some more, I found that if I sat still, I was still being rocked by the waves. Back and forth, up and down. So peaceful.  I woke in the mornings to the sound of the waves breaking on the shore, perfectly in time with Taylor's breathing, who slept contentedly on my shoulder.

If there's one thing I take away from Hawaii, that could summarize my whole experience, it's that the ocean is a magical thing that sets the rhythm and pace of life there.  I understand, now, why T wants to be close to the ocean.  It's so easy to feel little in front of it.  It's big and mysterious and calming and magnificent.

Our week in HI was full and relaxing and wonderful.  We went hiking and swimming and touring and shopping and eating and beer tasting.  In summary, I'd have to say that I would go back, but I was also glad to get back home.  I truly loved it, but it's hard to think of Thanksgiving and Christmas when it's 85 and sunny and beachy outside :)

Enjoy the photos--hit me with questions!

Hawaii

...

Red :)

It's always been such a fun color. My mother-in-law loves it, and when we have family pictures, red is the color of choice.  I can't complain, really.  When I was in high school, I wore a red shirt to French once and my teacher (from Brooklyn, NY.. go figure) told me:
"Ooh, Anne! La couleur rouge va tu bien!"
and we didn't argue with our Mme Sacco..

Red is great for many things, though. It goes so well with black, and brown, and white. It fits perfectly on a pepper and on my mixer.  I can't think of anything better to dress my dutch oven with (especially when it's also sporting a fig chicken inside), and strawberries, raspberries, cherries, apples, and watermelon just wouldn't be the same in a different color.

And would you know it? I am getting red tomatoes, now too!

It started a week or two ago:

and now we're here:

I almost don't want to pick them, because it makes me happy to have ripening tomatoes on my vine..

But I suppose I have to harvest, even if it's only two little tomatoes.  What's the point of growing food, except to eat it?  When we get our farm someday, I'll hopefully have my hands (and buckets and pockets and apron front) full of food to harvest.

Hopefully.

However, there is still hope for the rest of the summer! See? I have buds on one of my other plants!

There are, in fact, three buds, but I can't get close enough with my lens to show you all three. You'll just have to trust me :)

In the meantime, happy eating!

Lemon Cutes

uh, I mean cukes.

That is to say, cucumbers!

but they are pretty cute, aren't they?  I don't know what to do with them!  Though I better figure it out soon, since cukes don't last forever in a 'fridge.

I'm thinking a short jar of pickle spears might be fun. And cute. Does anyone know any good dill pickle recipes?

I'll let you know what I do with them, though :) When I figure it out...

What Did YOU Do This Weekend?

We were busy.  We had four of our dear friend stay with us--the Camachos (who were married last year) and the van Versendaals (who were married last month).  It's true, in our one bedroom apartment, that things were a tad.. squished, but all the merrier with good friends, right? :)

They arrived Friday evening, which was a good thing because I've found it difficult to keep my house clean this summer!  It's in a fairly consistent state of tidy-ness, but the cleanliness is a variable factor.  I don't want my guests to have a clear but mucky floor to sleep on, after all. So when I got off work early on Friday it was the perfect opportunity to tidy and clean the house thoroughly enough for our friends.  It calms me, too, y'know, to know I've done a nice cleaning before people come over and that my house is just as ready as I am to welcome them with warm (or, this time of year, cool) arms.

We had home-made sushi for dinner that night--with (nearly) everyone jumping in to make a roll. And we wives were in a prime spot in the kitchen because (you see) when one is still learning how to properly roll up the sushi, there are always pieces that aren't.. presentable :) and must be disposed of! Also, I am happy to report that the sushi-grade tuna I got from my fish lady was a success!  It was tasty, perfect texture, plenty of it, and we're all still alive and healthy, which is really the deal-breaker. Exciting!

I made a spiced fig upside-down cake for dessert, which (seriously) was totally delicious.  I didn't even have anything planned for the figs when I bought them on Thursday, since I didn't have a chicken in my freezer, but they were there, all lonely and they seemed to be calling to me: Annie! bring us home! So I did. And they seemed quite happy in their cooked-soon-to-be-gobbled state :)

Saturday was another affair entirely.  The Camachos had brunch with their sister, but the van's stayed home with us for oatmeal, leftover fig cake (!), and Taylor-made coffee.  We had a lovely chat, hearing all about their (amazing!) pilgrimage-honeymoon on the Way of St. James, and leisurely made our way to Harvard square to meet up with the Camachos for the afternoon.  Strolling around Harvard was hot business, but (to make it feel cooler outside) I got a delicious dry cappuccino at Crema Cafe.  The theory is that if my insides are hotter than the outside temperature, stepping outside will feel cool.. ish.  Sort of :) Eh, it was a great capp regardless!

We stopped at Trader Joe's for some provisions for the evening and headed home.  T and I hosted a pizza party for our wonderful guests, so that lots of their Boston friends could see them all at once.  I made eight pizza crusts, set them all out on the counter to rise (it's very warm in my kitchen this time of year), and put my stone in the oven.  It was a bit of a rush to get the house straightened up and the pizza prepped, but T is a great helper and it was a screaming success.

Pizzas we made (two of each): 

Salami with chunky tomatoes and Parmesan cheese

Wilted arugula with crumbled sausage, olive oil, and fresh Parmesan cheese

Garlic Scape pesto with peppers, zuccini and onions

Onion pizza with prosciutto, fresh sage, pepper, and olive oil

Deliciousness.

Sunday... T and I headed to Plum Island beach with a big group of friends.  We brought bread from Clear Flour, truffle salami, fresh fruit, veggies and hummus, homemade pickles, and I made a tuna salad (with artichokes and capers) for sammiches.  We had lots of water, happy beach towels, and much fun with our friends.  I went in the water (all the way in!) three times!  You see, I grew up surrounded by swimming pools, where you can always see the bottom and where there are no large living things in the water.  I was quite impressed with myself.  I had loads of fun.  We're totally going again this summer. Maybe every weekend :)

Plum Tuckered Out

And that was our weekend.. Our guests left Monday morning and T and I went to work.  Now I'm spending the week recovering from all the fun I had :) It's a good exhaustion! 

Adventures in Sushi

I love sushi. I mean, I really love sushi.  I could eat it every day for lunch and dinner without ever looking back.  It's fresh. It's simple. It's good for you. And it's so tasty!  For me, the simpler the better--no funny mayonnaises (I don't think they use mayo in Japan) or gloopy sauces on top.  I like the rice and nori best. Add in avocado (another non-traditional ingredient, admittedly) and some tasty fish and I'm one happy eater.

Clearly, on a limited (ahem--law student) budget, we can't afford to eat sushi nearly as often as I'd like.  If I could, I'd probably vote for sushi every time we did go out to eat.  Others are of a different mind (for some strange reason)... so my sushi-eating is at a relative minimum. Sadly.

Something had to be done!
and I did it :)

Two weekends ago, we were wandering around a kitchen store with a friend (who's setting up house) and I found a $6 sushi making kit ($4 on amazon).  T agreed to get it and I set myself to learning enough about sushi to try making it at home.  Fortunately the kit came with a good set of instructions on what ingredients are best, what methods work well, and a suggested list of filling ingredients.

We went to the Asian market last week and found the items we needed.  The total came to $40, and I also got about $15 of filling ingredients (most of which was the fresh crab I picked up at the farmer's market) :) but we definitely should be able to get several batches of sushi from the main ingredients, so that's good. Even though we've already spent $60 getting ingredients, that's equivalent to just two meals at a restaurant (for only T and me)--I'm hopeful about the return on our investment :)

So, to begin.  I had my sushi kit, and I had decided what to use for the maki: varying combinations of avocado, green onion, sliced cucumber, and fresh crab meat.  Of course I had a cup of tea handy for me to sip while rolling :) Tea makes everything better.



I also had Teahouse of the August Moon playing in the background.  My favorite Marlon Brando movie. Ever :)



Next, I had to make the rice.  This helpful FAQ page gives great instructions on how to make sushi rice (and they're the same as the instructions that came with my kit, so dig in, folks!).   I had gotten everything out and ready beforehand, making sure it was all within easy reach.  T volunteered to fan the rice for me while I mixed the seasoning in (it has to be cooled to room temperature relatively quickly to get a nice sheen on it).  We were a pretty good team :)

But I still had to assemble the rolls.  No matter how nice the ingredients are sliced and arranged and laid out, messy rolls just don't cut it for pretty sushi.

In picking a mat, I decided to go for the traditional bamboo slat mat. There are numerous "sushi made easy" kits, but if that "old" mat has worked for thousands of years in Japan, it's good enough for me. Besides, I love bamboo and Momma had a sushi mat in the kitchen for years--the smell of it is so nostalgic for me.  We never made sushi with it.  In fact, I don't remember what we did do with it, but I loved playing with it and the smell of the bamboo slats will always stay with me..

Recalling my first sushi-making experience, my rice was a tad starchy (maybe I added too much of the sushisu?), and some of the rolls were, um, ambitiously stuffed.  But those are things I can improve on.  If I get wracked with despair at never making pretty maki, I can always make temaki and go for a less-formal feel :)

I think the rice recipe made about 10 rolls.  We gobbled up every last piece of the sushi!  It was not the prettiest or most artfully presented sushi ever, but I wasn't expecting it to be.  I am completely happy with how my first-try turned out, and am excited to try again this week.

And did you know I've even managed to find a convenient source for sushi-grade tuna?

On the menu for this week:
makizushi with bluefin tuna, avocado, cucumber, and maybe green onions and carrots.  Are you as excited as I am? :)

My Latest Adventure

T and I got some herbs last week.  I've had herbs before and.. they lasted a little while, but I couldn't keep them going.  Is it possible to keep herbs in pots for several years?  Do you just have to invest each spring in new plants unless they're in the ground?  Ah well, we're trying it again this year :)  Right now, they look bright and sunny on our window sill in the kitchen, smiling in the afternoon sunshine.

Our other adventure, though, is that we got tomato plants.

I've never grown any of my own food before (I know, you're thinking "and you want a farm?!"), but we all have to begin somewhere, and I figure inside plants are "a very good place [for me] to start."  One of the three plants we bought has two green tomatoes on it, so if nothing else, we'll hopefully get those two :)  Though I think I see one little bud emerging on one of the other plants.  Does anyone have any tips on growing tomatoes?  Like how often I should water, etc? I'll be sure to keep you posted on our progress as container-tomate-er farmers :)

Also, I think I want to do a weekly pictures-only post.  I haven't decided what day will be best for it--maybe Monday? since that's usually a kick-start sort of day.  But know that it's in the works.  Isn't that exciting? :)

Did You Know?

about my SuperAmazingWonderfullyAwesome Seester?  Well, let me tell you.

1. She graduated a year ago, despite Momma's death during midterms, but wasn't having luck finding a "grown up" job in Long Beach (ah, sunny CA), so... she: 
2. moved to Boston (cold, wet, rainy, freezing BostonInJanuary)--all the way across the country--to look for a job (no, she had no prospects/offers when she moved here)!  Amazing, no? But wait, there's more! 
3. Staying on T's and my futon couch for 5 months, she temped at various (tolerable and less-so) positions until she found one that fit.  And they gave it to her. Because she's awesome. 
4. Meanwhile, working full time, she did my dishes almost every night. What kind of roommate does that? Wonderful ones, I guess :) 
5. She wakes up on time every morning (I should know--sometimes her getting-ready wakes my lazy-sleeping-in-self up (a good thing, Viv, promise!)) and heads out to work, looking fabulous every day, and repeatedly wows her coworkers and employers (oh, and did I mention she brings home cake?!). 
6. She took Taylor and me out to dinner--her treat--to celebrate her "big person job" Tasty? ooh, yes. 
7. THEN, she found a room for rent and.. this weekend, we moved her out.  I felt not a little bit like a mother dropping her first baby off at her first day of Kindergarten.  I won't say I cried all the way home in the car, but if you asked me, I might just refuse to answer...  
8. She takes the bus to work every day--and really, buses are intimidating to people (like me) who grew up driving everywhere for lack of a bus system.  This week, she's getting the feel of a new bus route, to go with her new home. She just takes it all in stride. 
9. She goes shopping with me!  And picks out fun clothes for me to try on, and tells me if she likes them or not.  I've heard it said "that's just what girls do, Annie" but it's new for me. And tons of fun. And I love having my sister in town! 
10. She's facing the difficult task of getting to know new roommates and figure out her new living situation.  I only vaguely remember my first semester freshman year (probably because I blocked a lot of it out), new roommate, new situation, new classes, etc.  For Viv, it's a strange mix of having family in town, being comfortable at her job, being familiar with Boston, but now going "home" to practical strangers who don't know her and all her lovely quirks (yet).  It's easy to forget, after four years of a permanent roommate, what it's like to live with new people.  

It's hard starting out--again and again--on your own, and I am so proud of my younger sister.  She's always been such a strong, willful person, and has overcome many struggles in her relatively short life.  I have seen, and continue to expect, great things from her.

I will miss having her around the house, but I know it's a good thing that she's "out there" on her own, so to speak.  I'll miss her face, and her silly faces, and the way she makes us laugh. And I'll miss hearing her come in from work as I'm getting dinner ready.  Yes, I'll miss all those dishes I didn't have to clean, but I know we'll see her often.  It's just another step on the way together, adjusting to new growth and life.

The first reading at Momma's funeral Mass was about Judith.  I think it fits for Vivian Rose, too.  We love you!

When they met her, they all blessed her with one accord and said to her, ‘You are the glory of Jerusalem, you are the great boast of Israel, you are the great pride of our nation! You have done all this with your own hand; you have done great good to Israel, and God is well pleased with it. May the Almighty Lord bless you for ever!’ And all the people said, ‘Amen.’

Judith 15:9-10

You'll always make me smile, Sweetie :) 

Sourdough Pizza

In hopes of eating allergen-free baked goods, I have delved into the delightful and exciting realm of sourdough cultures and starters and doughs.  I am a novice, at best. But I believe I have found a method that is practical and dumbed-down enough for sourdough-challenged me.

So I did a little bit of looking around and found a sourdough pizza crust recipe that seemed do-able to me.  And.. I did it!  I made pizza without yeast, and the crust was not a dense, flat, unevenly cooked mess of flour and water.. which is all I really put into it :)  (well, that and a pinch of salt and oil for kneading).  Who knew the air was so full of little yeasty bugs?

This pizza was particularly exciting because I got to use the pizza stone that T's family got us for our anniversary :) I can't wait to bake a nice sourdough bole on it.. someday, when my starter is more mature and bubble-icious!

If I had been able to roll the dough a little bit thinner, I wouldn't have had to bake it as long.  As it was, the bottom of the pizza was just a tad too hard for my taste, but it was still delicious.  And now I have to make it again--to see if i can get it right :)

Topped with one can of diced tomatoes (drained well), chopped marinated artichokes, and a nice thick layer of leftover anniversary-salami, this pizza was pretty darn good!

Rich Memories

Memories are rich. The last week has been especially rich with memory for my family.  One week ago, Taylor and Viv and I celebrated the anniversary of Momma's death.  We had a nice Tea Party "Brinner" (that's Breakfast for Dinner) of scrambled eggs, bacon wrapped sausages (baked in brown sugar and maple syrup), potatoes O'Brien, and guacamole.  For "dessert" we had the Bass Cottage Inn's oat scones, which were delicious, and bacon shortbread cookies, which were also delicious, and tea.

It really was a fitting celebration.  I knew Momma was there with us--her first tea party at my house in Boston :)

Each of us went in turns telling one memory we had of Momma, which, of course, led to other memories and stories and jokes.  At the end of the evening, we said a prayer of Thanks for Momma's life, and that we were able to know her and Love her.

Then yesterday, the anniversary of her funeral--St. Patrick's Day--we had a traditional Irish boiled dinner.  My first ever.  We has corned beef brisket, potatoes, carrots, parsnips, and cabbage.  I even grated a little Dubliner Irish cheddar cheese to top things off, but the flavors were all so beautifully simple that not much garnish was needed.  I'm happy to report that it went well.  We had four people over, bringing the total eaters to seven--the number in my family.  We had a jolly evening.

St. Patty's Feast

-----

And so, we go on and on.  A year has past. Before we know it, it will be two years, then five.  But we won't forget.  And we look forward, with great hope, to the day when we can all enjoy a Sunday High Tea as a whole family once again.  And it will be Beatific.

Two Songs, and One More

Before she died, Momma and Daddy met with one of their friends, whom Momma had asked to do the music at her funeral.  She had most of the songs picked out already.

The processional was Safety Harbor (by Rory Cooney).  My brother, in the navy, always really liked this song, since he knew what it was like to sail home to safety.  Accompanied by Momma, my oldest sister sang it in high school.  It's always been in our family, and I've even played it at funerals before, occasionally. I have often thought about the meaning in the words over the years.  It's a song of peace and relief, which (I think) is how Momma felt before she died.

Sweet Vision! Bless my eyes! 

Land upon the western skies! 

Constant stars, I bid you rise 

over Safety Harbor.

Home, home! At last, becalmed! 

Far behind us screams the storm. 

Tattered canvas waves like arms 

greeting Safety Harbor. 

--

From the windows of the tower, 

where the beacon burns, 

Faithful friends at ev'ry hour 

watch for my return. 

--

Yours the calm and peace I claim 

When I face the waves and rain, 

When the searoad calls my name 

Out from Safety Harbor. 

Through the fearsome, foaming gale, 

When no spirit fills my sail, 

I shall see, though sight may fail, 

Lights of Safety  Harbor.

--

Where from windows of the tower, 

bright the beacon burns. 

Faithful friends at ev'ry hour 

watch for my return. 

--

Heart's haven, mem'ry's shore, 

Call me through the tempest's roar, 

Where the pilgrim sails no more, 

home to Safety Harbor, 

Where the pilgrim sails no more, 

Home to Safety Harbor.

The second song I wanted to share is the recessional: It's a Brand New Day.  Simple lyrics, yes, but this, too, is how Momma felt--her sending-away message to all those who love her. "There will be a new heart for every man like the flowers that bloom in early spring."  How fitting, since Momma's apricot trees were just blooming when she died.  Joy really is everywhere.

It's a brand new day, 

everything is fine
Though it may be gray, 

I want you to know

that the sun's gonna shine
And out of that sky, 

piercing every cloud, 

is our God on high!
There will be a new heart for every man

like the flowers that bloom in early spring
For every life there is a plan,

no matter what autumn breezes bring
So put away care, 

let freedom be yours
Joy is everywhere, 

joy is everywhere!
Let freedom ring, alleluia now
Everybody sing 

let your voices shout 

to the mighty King.

Finally, Taylor took Viv and me to a concert featuring Hey Marseilles, a fun band from Seattle that's touring in the New England area.  They really have a great sound--uplifting and energetic and all-around enjoyable! The last song they played was a great farewell song for a touring music group. I was particularly caught by the chorus: "On the way I will go where the days left to breathe are not gone, are still long, I am traveling on."  Here on the year anniversary of Momma's death, I feel like this is (in some ways) the attitude we should have--we must continue our own journey and not get "stuck" around loss or grief.  I'm not saying we shouldn't grieve, or that the grief won't last a long time, but we can't just stay there, wallowing in it.  We carry the memory with us always, but we will always have Hope, and so we continue on the way.

(don't take the lyrics too seriously in regard to this situation--it's the general feeling of the song that struck me as so fitting) :)

Rio

Hey Marseilles

Silhouette seasons and far-away reasons are all I have now
Borders can keep me if Rio will have me to dance and to drown
Take to the harbor like sails to set
Sleep for the evening in failed regret
Hold on to skylines of pale and coal
Clouds on horizons and love to grow old

On the way I will go 
Where the days left to breathe
Are not gone, are still long
I am traveling on

Love is a hazard in lower Manhattan
You cannot escape, and musn't be saddened
By men who abandon your eyes for another's
There are always Brazilian boys to discover

Set your sights straight now
Don't forget pain
Drink 'til tomorrow becomes yesterday
Think of the shorelines you have yet to see
Men who will hold you with eyes you believe

On the way I will go 
Where the days left to breathe
Are not gone, are still long
I am traveling on

On the way I will go 
Where the days left to breathe
Are not gone, are still long
I am traveling on

Exciting :)

Parenting is a scary thing. Not because it's impossible, but simply because it's challenging.  Also, (and more importantly) I think it's because there is so much Love involved.  It's hard to love someone as much as a parent loves her child.  That is, the natural, over-flowing, unconditional Love that a parent has for her child makes her vulnerable to all the ups and downs in that child's life and in their relationship as parent-child.

There are many other fears that come with parenting, too.  There are so many unknowns, so many things you have to "discover for yourself."  What parent hasn't called his own parent at 3 in the morning, exhausted, saying: "I don't know what to do"? These fears are not prohibitive, of course, but they loom on the horizon of any expectant parent.

So, thinking about adoption is a little scary, too.  Not because I think I can't be a parent, but because all my parenting knowledge up to this point has been from biological parents who raised biological children.  I'm not saying this is an "easier" or "better" way, it's just that I have little experience with parenting a non-biological child.  I've done my fair share of babysitting of course (nieces and nephews, siblings-in-law, high school babysitting jobs), and as much as I love the kids, it's not parenting.  I mean, you can always give that kid back when the 'rents come home, right? :)

I confess one of my fears when we were first thinking about adoption was "What about breastfeeding?"  Breastfeeding has been shown to provide far more than merely nourishment for infants--there is an irreplaceable bond between the mother and child who breastfeed.  I recall those moments when the screaming (but not hungry) baby can't be comforted by anyone but its mother (who can only comfort him by nursing).

But guess what!  I just discovered that women who have never been pregnant (i.e., me) can induce lactation by natural (i.e. no hormonal supplementing) means!  I may not be able to produce a full supply of milk, but any breast milk for baby is better than none, and the bond would still be there. And there are ways of "breastfeeding" using formula (or donated breast milk).  Possibilities abound.

One of the things I think of most, when imagining motherhood, is holding my baby close to my chest, watching him nurse, feeling our skin touch and knowing the closeness that comes with such contact.  I think about him looking up at me and smiling, and about those quiet moments in the morning, or the middle of the night, as I pull him close to me and sooth him to sleep. I think about being that one person who can comfort him when no one else can.

And it's beautiful :)

More info, if you're curious:
http://www.llli.org/FAQ/adopt.html

http://www.asklenore.info/breastfeeding/induced_lactation/faq.html

An Announcement

After several divine "nudges" in this direction, Taylor and I want to let you all know we are going to start the adoption process.

One nudge was BC introducing an adoption benefits plan right when I started working here.

One was a dear friend asking us "why the heck not!?" and sending us the Adoption for Dummies book :)

One nudge was being asked by a close friend to consider adopting a newly conceived baby. For a whole week, T and I prayed about what we should do... We did say that, if the mother was considering abortion, we would take the baby unconditionally, absolutely.  For a whole week, I thought about that little child.  I thought about welcoming it into my home in June. For a whole week, I felt a little (tiny) bit like an expectant mother.  Sadly, and tragically, the young mother decided to abort her baby.  I think the baby was a girl, and I have named her. Our first little saint.

We don't know very many specifics at this point. We don't know what agency we'll use or what "preferences" we'll end up writing down for our child.  We don't know if we'll adopt a waiting child, an orphan, a new baby, a toddler, girl or boy, domestically or internationally.

But we're beginning!  There are so many unknowns!  It is exciting and somewhat frightening all at the same time. Prayers are invaluable. Advice is welcome.

Do you know of any babies who could grow up with somewhat crazy parents? :)  Let us know! We won't take their ice cream cones...

Start Spreadin' the News

"I'm leavin' today! I want to be a *part* of it: 

New York, New York!" 

That's right!  T and I headed down to NY (for the first time ever) yesterday to visit his grandparents who are in town for another event.  We woke bright and early (well, this time of year it wasn't exactly bright) and took the train down--sleeping most of the way.

From Penn Station, we walked to the hotel to check in and meet up with Grama--since Grampa was still in a meeting.  After a nice lunch at il Menestrello (ooh, tasty tomato and prosciutto pasta!) we went for a leisurely walk though Central Park.  The weather was cool and rather damp, but it made the whole atmosphere very cozy, in a way, and delightfully secluded, muffling the sounds of the city streets.. even the clip-clop clip-clop of the horse-drawn carts through the park was less clamorous.

Grampa took us all to dinner at the Bull and Bear in the Waldorf-Astoria and I had duck for the first time!  A lot like chicken, but (naturally) more game-y. Quite tasty :)  And the best part of our day? Yes, we were in bed, asleep, by 8:30 p.m.

Today: 9am Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral, brunch with Grampa, Grama, and (her sister) Aunt Mary, visit to the Frick Museum (a very impressive private collection--we saw the original St. Thomas More painting!), stroll to the train station, knitting all the way home.  Anti-climactic?  Not at all.  

As far as out-of-town weekends go, this was certainly a very relaxing one.  And it was wonderful to see family--we miss you so!  Thank you, Grampa and Grama for inviting us down!

New York

First Day of School (Pictures)

Looking through pictures with my family this weekend, we happened upon two first-day-of-school pictures.  Since I just posted about the first day of school (and since today is the first day of school for BC non-law students), I thought it would be appropriate to share them with you.

Please don't laugh at us too much :)

Probably when V was in Kindergarten (I would have been in 2nd grade)

I think this was Ray's senior year... probably 3rd or 4th grade for me :)