Five Months

It comes in waves. I will be fine for several days, sometimes even a week or two at a time. And then it washes over me anew and I just have to ride it out. During the waves I cry a lot at little things; I get irritable; my body is more tired than seems normal; I am listless. I still manage to get a few things done, but I do them reluctantly and very slowly. I spent a lot of time online, looking around at various things, basically ignoring any responsibilities pressing in on me.

At other times, life seems to continue normally. I still miss her, but it feels more like "Oh, I haven't called in a while--I should do that soon--but I've been so busy." Of course, thoughts like those are fleeting and quickly brushed away by the persistent reminder that I can't call her anymore. Ever. Feeling "normal" isn't a normal "normal" anymore. I'm not trying to complain, that's just the way it is now.

Different.

Normal means laughing and having a good time, praying (always), doing my chores and spending time with Taylor, talking to my siblings and Daddy, Rejoicing!, sewing, knitting, going to work :Þ, visiting with friends and family. But always in the back of my mind, I am reminded of her, things she would like, things I would like to ask her, things I'd like to tell her, just to see what she thinks.

"Normal" is life without her. But not entirely without. Not only does she live on in many ways in each of the people she knew, but she is with us all more closely now. I often find myself talking to her (not crazy-like). "Look, Momma, I made a pretty dress." or "Look, Momma! My cookies turned out just like yours." and "I miss you, Momma" (always). It helps me to think of her smile and remember how proud of me she is. It hurts, and it makes me cry, too, but "not all tears are an evil."

5 months. That's nearly half a year. Will it always be like this--like she died just yesterday and yet ages and ages ago? Will I eventually get used to her being gone like this, or will I always find myself thinking about calling her to chat about sewing or cooking or my work day?

I don't know.

We love you, Momma.

And we miss you...