Monday, April 11, 2011


I have been remiss in posting here.  I have been silent because I feel like I have nothing to write about.  Stagnant.  Stuck.  Stalled.  It's all the same. Everyone knows how I feel right now.  What else is there to say?

Some days I feel it is all I can do to get to and from work and put dinner on the table.  Three nights within the last week we've had leftover soup.  The same soup.  With the same muffins.

Other days it's better. I'm pleasant at work, and I can get a few things done around the house, visit with people, make a nice dinner and clean up the kitchen afterwards.  I've even started running a bit lately.  I cleaned the bathroom this weekend.  It really needed it.

After a crushed-hopes-induced hiatus, I've begun pumping again.  Perhaps that, too, can be an act of faith--pumping in the hopes that within the next several weeks, we will have news of Baby Girl's future.  Maybe in a few weeks we will have a date to look forward to.  Not "look forward" as in "get excited," necessarily.  Just looking forward directionally, toward the horizon.  The next point we need to get to.  To Hope for.

See, I'm stuck in a fog of ambiguity.  Sometimes it's so thick I can't see my own feet on the ground and have to trust that the next step I take will land on something solid.  Oftentimes my trust falters and I can't move... I just stand there, frustrated by my own weak faith and staidness, but terrified of taking a wrong step.

Still, sometimes the sun comes out for a bit to burn away some of the obscuring mist; a bleary, weakly-bright sun that I know is there, though I can't see any firm reality of it in front of me.  There are no harsh shadows to make out, no black and white.  But I can see my feet, those days.  I can see enough in front of me to take a few more confident steps.

Oh, blindfold me, Lord!  Then the fog wouldn't make any difference...


  1. Isn't there an old adage, "life happens while you are waiting." Ah, so difficult. I recommend trying to fill every moment. If you lose momentum forward that is when you slow to a stop and can barely accomplish anything. Keep a default list of things to do in case you lose that momentum or lose hope. Hey, I have been there. The can't get out of bed there. I also recommend fish oil and sunshine to lift your mood. YOU CAN DO IT. Fortitude! We're behind you.

  2. "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope." Jeremiah 29:11

  3. take Momma's hand when you cannot see your feet, you know she is there and will help you take that next step. the fog is thick and seemingly endless, but it will end and when it clears, the sun will be more brilliant than you have ever witnessed :) I love your Faith seester, it helps keep mine going as well!

  4. :) thanks for the encouragement! I need it.. I really do :S

  5. Hi Anne,

    I'm a friend of Bethany's and have been following your blog since she shared your post about abortion on her Facebook page.

    The struggle you and your husband are facing touches my heart. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but instead I offer my prayers.

    Love always,

  6. Thank you, Marla--the prayers of our community are our food on this journey! Keep them coming :)