I've heard of "pregnancy brain." If 95.8% of your friends were pregnant, you'd have heard of it, too. And while I'm not pregnant, I've been totally distracted lately. By lately, of course, I mean the past 6 weeks. I can't get anything done in a reasonable amount of time. Thank goodness for deadlines (like Christmas and airline schedules) or much would not have been accomplished at all.
Patrick McManus says that humans have a "worry box" in their brain and they can only hold so many items to worry or think about. If one thing too many is added to the box, something else slips out. My worry box is all full up. Other Things don't even have a chance.
At least, my subconscious worry box is full up--I'm still able to think about Things like "when should I start dinner?" or "gosh, I really should empty the trash." or even "hm, maybe I should wake up so I can get to work on time." But I have little space to worry about Christmas thank you cards (sorry folks, nothing personal!), sewing projects, or keeping the house tidy.
All I really want to do is putter around online (not unlike an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP) and ignore most of the things I have to do.
See, I can't stop thinking about her. Her face. Her hands. Her birth parents. The whole situation.
What's going to happen? When will we know anything? Why the delay? Why now? What do You want of us, Lord? What should we do?
I know that my questions will be answered in time--in God's time, but my subconscious is overloaded in the meantime. I walk into a room to get something or do something and the moment I get there, I forget what I needed. I go to the computer to look something up. I manage to check my email (no new messages in the last 10 minutes--why am I checking again?), catch up on twitter, comment a bit on facebook, and browse around Amazon. But I don't look up what I needed.
Then, listlessly, I go sit on the couch, trying to remember what I was going to do when I hear the lid on the pot of water I was heating begin to spurt and bubble and I remember--I wanted to look up some baking ratio. But now the water's too hot and I have to cool it down again.
Is this what it's like to be expecting? I suppose at least, with pregnancy brain, the eventual holding-of-the-baby is a pretty for-sure thing. Maybe that's what's driving me nuts. I can't plan maternity leave; I can't set up the crib; I can't put the carseat in the car. Why bother right now if we'll be waiting another 4 months? What if this child never becomes available for adoption and we're back on the "waiting list" for however-long? I work well with deadlines. I rely on them. But there's no deadline with adoption. No date past which we induce.
There's only the waiting.
Don't misunderstand--I'm not feeling cynical and I'm not despairing. These are just real concerns in adoption. Real unknowns that I'm struggling with and learning about. I can only hope that the expectancy of my subconscious translates, somehow, into prayer for this little girl and her families. Scripture tells us the Holy Spirit hears the groaning of our hearts and knows our need more than we do. My heart aches for This Little Girl.
She has so many people who love her already. I hope she can come home, where ever her home will be, soon.